WARNING: Some Salty Language Below

I'm sure I'm not alone in feeling like the office vending machine is both a salvation and a curse. I mean, here we are stuck in an office, not exactly wanting to be here, and if we're hungry and don't have time or energy to leave, we have to eat this gross, over-processed stuff that 100 years ago wouldn't even have counted as food.

Still, it's helped me get through many a day and night without having a blood sugar crash and the resulting emotional meltdown.

One thing that does cause a meltdown, however, is when my item fails to drop after I've inserted the money. I feel a building rage that is a combination of disappointment that my hunger might not be satisfied, and anger that I have resorted to eating this crap to begin with.

I know others feel this too, and when I assault a vending machine I always remember news stories about people being squished to death after tilting a machine to get their food item. It's probably one of the only situations where losing a dollar (or less) will spur people to do reckless, life-threatening things.

To calm myself down after a vending incident at work, I wrote these haikus:

Oh vending machine
Many kicks yield no results
Again, you fail me

And the uncensored version:

I wanted peanuts
Instead, I got fucking air
Damn vending machine

Now I find out that my rage was unnecessary: Two co-workers just informed me that I can call an 800 number and the machine will be adjusted remotely so I can get my item. This seems like either witchcraft or some sort of Big Brother-ishness, and while I believe my colleagues, this news makes me fear and respect the machine. Can the vendors sense that I just kicked the glass with all my lightweight might? Maybe I should smile and look pleasant the next time I walk by it, just in case.

Tatiana Zarnowski lives in Ballston Spa, N.Y., and wonders if anyone has change for a twenty, because she's out of singles for some reason. 

Editor's Note: The DG vending machine is particularly maddening, and in 2008 inspired me to write my one true comic masterpiece, which you can find here.